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I have had a hard time recently even feeling sexy. I sometimes doubt if I am even attractive anymore. It’s crazy how life works and sometimes you just feel so low.
I use to feel on top of the world. I had built this career and business around my ability to interact with people and my look, my style. Feeling like it was time to pursue my dream of architecture, I decided to go back to grad school. I also decided then I wanted to wear my glasses all the time versus my contacts, as well as follow my crazy health-nut diet. The changes these decisions inflected if individually handled, I may had been able to endure, but collectively it was hard to bear.
My decision to wear my glasses is a pretty normal one people go through, but for me having built this marketing persona, I notice in slight ways how it made little interactions change. I began to be respected more in public. While I still get cat-called sometimes, it occurs less. It was the slightest and most confident of the changes, yet notable for the new me.
I got accepted to a grad school, then changed my mind at the last minute to go to another grad school in another city. While this was overall a great decision, so many plans made needed to be changed at the last minute. Also coming back to being a full time student after five years was more demanding than I ever imagined. I never had neglected my own needs more than when I became a student again.
My most significant change for last year was my diet. I finally was strictly following what I had for a long time believed.. No sugar, gluten or animal products… I went a little crazy to say the least. It affected my body, my mood and my emotions. At times I would say it had become an eating disorder and I was struggling to find things appealing to eat and often skipped meals. It was irritating because the goal wasn't to lose weight, I was always pretty happy with my size, but it accidentally happened and it happened too much. Back in October, I had lost so much of my leg muscle I could barely hold up my scooter when stopped. I was told by a dear friend I looked like a little boy my hips had flattened out so. Pencil skirts were sliding off my hips. I was stressed, overworked, trying to fit into a new city and I hated the way I looked.
Thankfully, I listened to my dear friends advice and I craved to be stronger again so I made little changes overall towards healthy living. I loosened up on the strictness of my food restrictions, I try to be reasonable. I no longer am hovering over 100 pounds and am a healthier 113 pounds (working on that muscle!). I still don’t 100% like the way I look and it’s a struggle to feel sexy in normal life. I am trying to get use to this new me. I want to feel sexy the way I used to.
I wanted this shoot to make myself explore those ideas further. For me: Sexy is playfulness. Sexy is putting in that extra effort to curl my hair. Sexy is just wearing a cute pair of underwear even if no one else sees it. Sexy means being respectful and having open communication. Sexiness shows itself in many forms and I think it shows best when someone rocks what they have. Sexiness can be found in the simple everyday, or in extravagant occasions.
This is only the beginning of the journey for me. I know there will be ongoing struggles and I am not stuck in the past. I will become a new version of myself and I am excited to see who that is. I will regain my feeling of sexy and confidence and I know it will take time. I may not fully believe this every day but I try to remind myself if how far I have already come. Growing is not easy, but it is exciting and worth it.
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